OLD CODGERS

            Is a month already? Our “conscious aging” group of old codgers met again yesterday for our monthly Zoom session. It warms the heart to see these faces of men, some of whom I have known for 30 years. The bonds between us have been strengthened by the common experience of sitting together in similar circles of men, no holds barred, feet to the fire, unafraid to confront the dark side of our natures. At a moment in the history of humankind when so much masculine energy is misdirected along hideously destructive—and self-destructive—paths, it is good to remind ourselves that it can be healthy, strong, compassionate, loving and creative.

            Our conversation turned, last evening, to children and grandchildren. How much joy the latter bring into our lives! How we love their energy, the freshness of their imagination, the unquestioning openness with which they receive our love and send theirs back to us! We spoil them, of course, because that’s our job. But they spoil us in equal measure in return.

            We have a more complex relationship with our children. They can be the source of infinite pride, but also of great anxiety and grief. In today’s deeply troubled world, the self medication of addiction of all kinds—drugs, alcohol, work—can bring great suffering into their lives, as well as those around them. What loving parent can avoid entanglement in their child’s suffering? Our deepest wish is for them to find happiness in their lives, to embrace the infinite possibilities of independence, to fulfill the immeasurable potential we saw glowing in their eyes as children. And yet so many of them—am I right to say “these days”? Is it any different from the way it always was?—end up deeply troubled, unable to take responsibility for their lives, losing the battle against the chaos that invades them from all sides. 

            The difficulty is to let them go. They are no longer our children. We are unable to take care of them even if every parental instinct tells us that we can, and must. Sometimes we must even take the most painful path of all and, yes, abandon them…

            I had not meant to get so serious and gloomy with this post. I had meant to celebrate friendship, mutual love and admiration, gratitude. I had meant to celebrate the fortitude and compassion of my friends. Which I do. With apologies for my detour into the dark side… 

            But then no, no apologies; we can take this into our hearts; we can deepen our lives; we can learn and yes, even at our age, grow from the community of lived experience; we can share the love.